The Chaos Theory
by Ethelflaed
Summary: -One-Shot, for Bk- Anyone who's seen "It's a Wonderful Life" knows that we effect the lives of others. Few, however, know how much we do... Or at least, theoretically. Enter the Twi--wait, wrong show.


**To B/k, as a belated FanFiction anniversary present:**

**I want to thank you, for your support and encouragement, your fabulous ideas, and for putting up with my narcissistic self. For caring when I was depressed, worrying with me when my dog was ill, cheering my brother on with me…**

**Thank you for everything. May this story at least, partially, fill my debt to you.**

**And I don't own YGO! Thank you, lawyers, for interrupting the nice moment back there. I also don't own…anything except the plot here. And if anyone can figure out the _Invader Zim_ influence, they get a cookie. It's pretty obvious if you've seen the show, though… (goes to make giant batch of cookies)**

**Quodlibet, incidentally, is a phrase meaning "whatever". And remember that Kaiba refuses to recognize any possessive spirits.**

********

Bakura stared down upon the hamburger, eyes boring into its sesame-topped surface, glistening with grease in the sunlight. He _really_ did not want to eat that burger. Food just wasn't supposed to glisten.

Well, except for pudding, and Jell-O, and rock candy. Then again, did they count as food?

…Well, bread wasn't supposed to glisten, anyway.

Unless, of course, it was glazed. Like the bread they put up at cafés, so that you're stuck there, drooling over a shiny, fluffy loaf of bread, until the cashier was forced to tell you that not only was that bread not for sale, but it was ceramic. Those were humiliating experiences.

Not, of course, that Bakura went around drooling over ceramic bread. His other half did, sometimes. According to him, it made the perfect "blunt instrument". Bakura's response had been to purchase him an accordion.

That had not gone over well—until, of course, Evil Bakura learned that accordions generally instill a deep fear into the hearts of everyone. Now he was plotting to conquer the world with an army of animated accordions. This had taught Bakura that joking with monomaniac tomb robbers is not a good idea.

The hamburger was starting to swim in grease. It was also starting to dissolve.

"I'm never going here again," he muttered, dropping the food into a trashcan and walking away from the Burger King. The grease started to eat through the walls of the trashcan, but that's another story.

At any rate, he walked down the street, and started towards a small woodland area for peace and quiet. Finally, he sat on a bench near a cliff, and pulled out a book entitled _Exorcising for the Teenaged Soul_, and started to read.

When exorcising a dangerous or unbalanced spirit, be sure to have a handy way of ridding yourself of them or an escape rout. If you don't, the spirit will probably murder you and possess your dead body, thereby rendering it invincible.

Bakura paused. "How does living in a dead body make it invincible?"

We have no idea.

"What the—"

_Oh, come on, this is a book about the supernatural! Did you really expect it to behave _normally_? Hahaha. Boy, do _you_ have a lot to learn…_

Bakura narrowed his eyes at the book, then, annoyed, flipped to the section containing what to chant. He stared at the words printed on the page, then started to sing:

"I never saw a purple cow

I never hope to see one

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather see than be one."

A pause. Then:

"I never saw a purple cow

I never hope to see one

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather see than be one."

Again:

"I never saw a purple cow

I never hope to see one

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather see than be one."

The repetition was beginning to take its toll, as the spirit in the Ring started to thrash around in Bakura's head. Despite the mounting headache he was receiving, he continued grimly:

"I never saw a purple cow 

I never hope to see one

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather see than be one."

_Stop it!_ screamed the spirit. _Stop reciting that poem! The stupidity…it burns…_

"I never saw a purple cow

I never hope to see one

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather see than be one."

AAAAAAAAAAAAA—

"—aaa…wait a second," said the spirit, blinking. "I'm here…and you're there…I'm free!" He jumped with joy, but unfortunately, he did it in a slightly backwards direction. This carried him straight over the cliff, which strangely enough, had a small, brittle tree sticking out from it. This he caught hold of, and then started to call for help. Bakura got to his feet, when a voice said—

"Wait a sec, pal. Before you start off helping him, remember the shades of grey here. If you drag him back up, a boulder is going to fall on a bunch of hikers in Peru. Now—I want you to ask yourself this very seriously—_are you ready for that kind of responsibility?_"

Bakura stared at the short version of himself—or, more accurately, half of a short version of himself—which was an exact replica of the demon side of the Change of Heart. It was currently trying desperately to stay in the air with one wing.

"Hold it right there!" another voice commanded, as the other half of the Change of Heart appeared. "If he doesn't reach down and save him, a boat full of innocent, oblivious fourth graders will sink!"

The demon glared at him. "That's the price they pay for being stupid."

"I never said they were stupid," replied the angel haughtily.

"You said they were innocent. Only stupid people are innocent. And only stupid people are oblivious."

"That isn't—"

"What are you two talking about?" asked Bakura, somewhat bewildered. The two looked at him, annoyed.

"It's the Chaos Theory," said the demon. "Haven't you ever heard of it?"

"…"

The demon rolled his eyes, as a muffled call was heard from below:

"Um, Ryou, this tree is becoming uprooted…"

"—what I said at all," concluded the angel.

Crack.

"Ryouuuuuuu…"

There was silence as Bakura watched his rapidly disappearing darker half in disbelief. Then he stared at the demon and the angel. "Because of you just killed him!"

"No," said the demon, "but you did just save hikers in Peru."

"No," said the angel, "but I'm afraid all those innocents will die—no, wait, someone was sucking on a Root Beer Dumdum and adverted the catastrophe."

********

The Domino Ferry Boat carried Domino Elementary's Fourth Grade class out onto the Domino Lake, where they stopped by the cliffs of Domino. The teacher began to speak:

"You see, class, these cliffs were formed by the water pounding on the ground, and it stayed here, pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding until these cliffs were here, and if you look, you'll see that the water's still pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding, and a million years from now—"

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…_"

"—it'll still be pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding, until it reaches the other side of the world. Once it reaches the other side, it'll continue pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding so that—"

The figure of a falling white-haired boy was growing rapidly evident to the fourth graders, who started inching to the edges of the boat.

"—it will pound away at the entire plant, destroy it entirely, and become a shapeless blob in the void of space. And once it reaches another planet, it will continue pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding, to destroy _that_ planet. So you see, children, the very source upon which we depend for our survival _is really an evil demonic sentient being bent on destr—_"

The figure fell behind the teacher, into the water. The resulting splash drenched the entire class and the teacher.

"_—oying us._ As you can see, it is trying to kill us right now so that we can't tell anyone."

"Ms. Quodlibet?" asked a brave student. "Uh…should we help that guy that fell into the water behind you?"

"Silence, insolent underling!"

"…Okay…"

********

"…So let me get this straight," said Bakura. "If I call the authorities now about my dark half's fall, I cause a kid to trip and splatter ice cream all over a priceless Greek manuscript. If I wait five minutes and call, a giant rubber chicken will fall from the sky and destroy half of Iceland."

"Exactly," said the angels in unison.

Bakura, exasperated, reached for the phone, and called the police station.

.

Officer Herver was having a relatively quiet day. She sat by the phone, yawning, waiting for something to happen. Then the phone began to ring.

"Yes?"

"My friend fell off a cliff…can you go out and see if he's still alive?"

A pause, then the phone was dropped back on the receiver, as Officer Herver muttered something about annoying prank-playing children, and went to sleep.

********

"—now, children, I want to tell you more about how _evil_ water is. As I said before, it wants to destroy us all. You can see that the teenager behind us is drowning because of water—"

"Ms. Quodlibet? Couldn't we just save him and so stop the evil water?"

"_I said silence!_ Throw him overboard."

"Wha—"

Sploosh.

"Now, _two_ people are dying because of the evil water. Now, I'm going to tell you about the Teuton River Dam. You see, a bunch of potato farmers wanted water, so they stopped up the river. Then, the river broke, smashing homes and whole towns and cars and railroads and farms—"

.

"Aha!" said Evil Bakura, grabbing the fourth grader. "A buoy!"

Holding onto the boy's head, he started to kick away as he headed for the shore. Ms. Quodlibet's lecture could be heard behind him.

"Just a moment, children. I want you to see this. Look at the previously drowning boy over there. He's now living by shoving someone else into the water. This is an example of how everything lives. You'll only get anywhere by slowly crushing your classmates to death. Cannibals had the right idea…"

Evil Bakura cast a somewhat frightened eye on the woman as he kicked away, pausing to look down at the boy he was buoying himself up on. There was a moment of shock, followed rapidly by his life passing before his eyes.

"Hi!" said Mokuba, struggling to breathe.

_Oh no,_ thought the spirit. _I'm using Mokuba Kaiba as a buoy. And when _Seto_ Kaiba finds out about this, I'll be dead. On the other hand, if I don't use him, I'll still be dead. Then again, _can_ I die?_

"You can still suffer imminent pain and you'll probably be paralyzed for life," said a miniature Diabound, sitting upon his shoulder. Evil Bakura blinked at him for a moment in utter confusion.

"On the other hand," said another, a rather eviler looking Diabound, "you do get to see Kaiba's face when he hears about this."

Mokuba had since escaped from Evil Bakura was starting a rather nice butterfly stroke back to shore. Evil Bakura, automatically treading water, stared at the two monsters.

"Who are you?"

"We're the voices of your conflicting sides," explained Diabound. "Kind of like shoulder angels. Only…we're Diabounds."

Mokuba had reached the shore, and was currently calling the police to pick Evil Bakura up. "Hello…I have a friend—"

"Besides," said Eviler Diabound, "if you let him get away, you'll cause a massive fire in the Australian Outback."

"—and he fell off a cliff—hello? Officer? Are you there?"

"I will? Bye, little Moku…where is he?"

All three looked over to the shore where Mokuba was hitting his cell phone (yes, Kaiba lets him have his own) with a stick. It was then that they realized the buoy was gone. The shoulder Diabounds looked at Evil Bakura.

"Can you swim?"

"…No…"

"Bye!" they called together, disappearing. The robber stopped treading water in shock, then snorted as his feet touched the ground. Now, to get home, and work on Operation Accordion some more. And to eat macaroni. He liked macaroni.

********

"So," said Bakura. "I'm going to try dialing the police station again. And that causes…?"

There was consultation for a moment, then the demon announced, "A hysterical, gruesome murder. Do it."

"But if you wait a few minutes," said the angel, "you'll cause Armageddon."

"I'll cause _the end of the world_ with a phone call?"

"Yeah," answered the angel.

With a sigh of exasperation, Bakura picked up the phone and patiently started to dial. Suddenly, in the street, a hot dog vendor stood proudly, declaring:

"I have music within me! I must tell the world!

"_Feelings…_"

The crowd stiffened, turning to the vendor, who was singing "Feelings" with gusto. Someone threw an empty Vanilla Coke can. Instantly, with a shriek of horror, the vendor shriveled up and died. There was a long pause, and then Bakura finished dialing the police station.

.

Officer Herver had once again gone to sleep. In her dream, Al Capone had come back from the dead and she, Officer Herver, had put a stop to his horrible plans by—

Riiing…riiiiiiing…riiiiiiiiing… 

She picked up the phone, twitching. If this call had anything to do with cliffs—

"Excuse me," said a familiar voice. "But…there's been a murder here, and my friend really did fall off that cliff…"

Click.

—employing _Alvin and the Chipmunks_, it seemed. Officer Herver sank deeper into the dream, feeling very pleased with herself. Justice was served.

.

It was late at the Bakura apartment. The spirit was playing the accordion, and Bakura was watching a program on the history of Berkelium on television. In his office, Mr. Bakura studied an ancient Mayan pottery shard. The angels, demons, and Diabounds were gone. The world was at rest. No thoughts of the Chaos Theory floated through their heads.

Meanwhile…

"Now," said Kaiba, to the demonic version of himself on his shoulder, "if I mute the TV, Bakura will spontaneously combust, correct?"

"Exactly."

"Now, now," said the angelic Kaiba, "remember Mokuba!"

They both turned and looked at him with an annoyed face, and then Kaiba reached for the mute button. Abruptly, the angel shrieked, "Nooo!"

"What?" asked Kaiba, who had just hit the button.

"The lapse in time…changed the reaction…"

"What did I do?" he asked flatly.

"Well…"

********

On the floor of a Burger King, something stirred, slowly. The grease attempted to laugh evilly, but could not, as it was grease. It inched towards the door…slowly…slowly…

Grease would rule the world!


End file.
